Oy! Motherhood.

the authentic life

so i realized something this week. i know i realized it a thousand other times before but wasn't able to do anything about it so i didn’t waste any time thinking about it. what i realized is that for a long time now i haven't been living authentically and it was squeezing the air out of me.

it's true,  i've been lucky in that i've been able to hold onto pieces of myself throughout this whole motherhood gig, but only by the skin of my teeth (whatever that is). even the school, as much as i was able to inject it with parts of myself, wasn’t for me. it was never fully mine. i don’t mean that in a financial ownership sense—what i mean is that everything i did there was for someone else. for my kids, for the community, for my friends, and yes, for the whore who eventually walked away with it all.

but now, now i have an opportunity to take a more authentic path, to take joy from  the sum of my accomplishments and really acknowledge my self-worth.

i had a moment of clarity on the bathroom floor after a visit from my (now ex-) friend jose cuervo (meanwhile, do you realize how many calories in the average margarita? 780. seven hundred and eighty. the hell? that right there is enough to make me stop), and realized that this was it. this was the moment i could choose to succumb to whatever ailed my tortured spirit or it was the moment i could start to live for myself again.

i started simple. i began by giving myself permission not to work. not to blog. not to do anything at all if i didn’t feel like it. i started reading. and listening to music. MY music. not thomas the effing tank engine or bless her, the crazy chick with curly hair who jumps around singing about having a pig on her head (i actually like her, just not all.the.tiiiiiiiiiiiimmmuuuuh.) i got my feet tattooed with henna, and bought a small, leather-bound journal (and wrote in it!). i allowed myself the pleasure of cooking. i cleaned my house. i started rearranging furniture and painting tired old rooms. i sat on the beach. a lot. i live less than a quarter mile from the ocean and until this summer i could count the number of times i’ve sat on the beach in the seven summers we’ve lived here on two hands. and after i felt quiet enough in my body i acknowledged my pain and my anger and decided to let it go.

[aside: i’m not pretending i don’t still have moments of absolute mind-bending rage about what happened, but i don’t hold onto it anymore. i give myself that moment and then i’m onto something better.]

and then i began to acknowledge the opportunities around me and thought really hard about what it was that i wanted to do with my time. and the door to the school closed and a window opened on the other side of town.

i am climbing through that window. because it’s my window and on the other side of it is my work and I need it. i deserve it.

a return?

it's been a long time, hasn't it? so long, in fact, that many of my readers have removed me from their blogrolls. ah, well. nevermind. i'm back now. and there are lots of stories to tell, but i still haven't processed most of what's happened since march, so i'm not sure how quickly it will all come out.

for now it will have to suffice to say that i am no longer a part of the school i helped open this fall. the school that in actual fact, took up most of my waking hours for the better part of a year. the school my son and daughter were to attend until they turn 12 in 6 and 10 years respectively.

my business partner--and i use that term loosely because she never really participated much in the actual running of the business--turned out to be rather nuts and after trying several different approaches to continuing the partnership i finally decided that what is best for me and my family was to leave the school. sounds simple, doesn't it? it hasn't been. there was never an exit strategy. never a plan for resolving disagreements between us and we remained at deadlock until it became apparent that time had run out for adding on to the building for the elementary program. there were public outbursts. broken friendships. eye-opening moments that have taught me a good deal more about the human condition--at both ends of the spectrum. i have received the grace of unsurpassed friendship and a renewed understanding of the bonds of family. and yet my business has effectively been stolen by a woman who has no conscience and puts self-interest above all else. i will evermore view her as nothing short of a common thief. a plotting swindler who lives off the hard work of everyone around her and leaves misery in her wake. her very existence is a foul stain upon the planet.

bitter much? 

i'm moving through the grief. at first i was unable to do anything. then the crying. and the pity party (and oh what a party it was!). now the rage. i'm not sure how long until i get to acceptance, but i don't really care, either. the rage is empowering and i intend to use it.

i wish i could report that life! is! good!, but in actual fact it's more meh than anything else. struggles. financial mostly. i'm out $5k in legal fees already and it's just the tip of the iceburg. and then the struggle to find my boy the right school and get him the right placement. and the struggle to teach the girl not to scream every time she needs something. and the struggle not to struggle....

but there are good things too. really good things. i've rediscovered how in love with love i can be, which is refreshing and uplifting. and i've returned to writing and am enjoying being at home. the big move from upstairs to down is finally underway, and i'm spending more time sleeping, exercising, hanging out with the kids, and socializing. i didn't know how stressed out i was until i stopped.

and now i've tentatively started again. 

a post about nothing

i just want to get it out there that i'm a 24 FANATIC. i watched the first five seasons in less than two months and am in heaven now that season 6 has started.

i should note as well, since today is the season premiere of american idol, that i picked the winner for last season (taylor hicks) in the very first round of auditions. it's a sickness, really.

i think everyone also needs to know that the one thing i covet right now is the tempur-pedic sleep system. any one of them. when the commercial comes on tv i stop everything just so i can watch the guy jump up and down next to a glass of red wine. it's gotten so bad that the hubs has actually said, "one day, i'm going to get you that mattress." he said it with conviction. as if he's on some kind of mattress mission. and this is remarkable because he has never, ever been on a quest to buy me anything (except the outfit he got me the christmas we were engaged--another story, remind me later) AND he's known for his miserly ways. a $2,000 mattress might have actually caused him to stroke out a few years ago.

i've been home since 11:15am. left school early to straighten up because i had a friend coming around noon and i have to say, i miss being at home toodling around working on my own schedule. crazybizpartner (from now on she'll just be CBP) better watch it--i might just start working from home permanently. bizitch.

and that, right there, folks, was a bit of bloggy navel gazing for your enquiring mind(less) pleasure. or not.

i syr yoo muvh

i'm not typing in tongues, my fingers just got sidelined as they tried in vain to type, "i ate too much."

i syr yoo muvh seemed so much more interesting because honestly, who didn't eat too much? it's old and unoriginal news, but i syr yoo muvh is new! and unique! and fascinating! uh. maybe?

i drank too much too. and now my belly is rebellying. it's reminding me of early labor, frankly. and yes, i do realize that the big day of eating and overindulging has long since passed, but tell that to my belcherous belly.

there is so much to talk about and here it is 1am again. i mean, for example, it might be worthwhile to discuss why i stay up so late all the time. it's gotten to the point where i even take little catnaps in my quest to thoroughly and completely exhaust myself on a regular basis.

and i could regale you with stories from the family's christmas eve extravaganza. the whole cast of characters was there. uncle nob, his wife clo, uncle manny, esther, laurie of the perpetual headache, never happy kathy, and russell, my 40-year old single cousin who lives with his parents and hunts on weekends. by the way, uncle nob's name is really norbert. and here in massachusetts norbert sounds like nah-bit or nahb for short. so i have an uncle nobby (or nahbby for those of you who need the literal new england translation for clarity). i wish i could say that no one fell down, because someone did (thank the powers that be that it wasn't me), or that there was no drunken singing, because there was (and that's not a pretty sight when most of the singers are in their eighties and don't even know the words to jingle bells).

what i can say is that i was grateful this year to have my parents here with us. even more grateful to have john whole and healthy and present. and the kids--who wouldn't be grateful? the boy is driving me nuts with all his incessant jumping and the constant talking, but he is beautiful and brilliant and i can't believe i nurtured him from birth and he's his whole own person. it's phenomenal, really. i've realized this week that i need to learn something about science and engineering or we soon won't have much to discuss.

the girl is his twin but his opposite. she has this crazy little imagination and she talks to her stuffed animals and interacts with the television. she's as much gossamer and light as she is earth and fire. she touches me in a very different way and i often wonder whether it's a girl thing or just a my girl thing. i'm sure it can't be quantified that way, but it's curious to me how these two people came from the same two people and are so utterly opposite. and yet equally lovable.

the only thing that could have made this holiday better is more money. generally, i mean, not specifically about christmas or gifts or anything. the constant money woes have made me weary. i know it's more common than not these days, but living here can be hard and i would love for it to be easy one day. i was hoping The Book would help us move up the ladder a bit, but my coauthor hasn't been very good about putting it in front of the right people. she had a huge article in the New Yorker and an interview on Nightline, but somehow she forgot to mention the book. all i can do is walk away shaking my head while i dig around on the bottom of my coach, got-it-on-ebay-for-half-price, diaper bag for loose change wondering why, oh why did i not take the LSAT and become a lawyer when i had the chance?

this writing thing? el sucko in the checkbook. i can see why so many writers have lost their minds. and i'm not even creative enough to write a novel.

oh, and if anyone has any ideas about how to keep a beagle from walking around on the family dining table please do pass them along--i'm stumped.

more anon, my friends.