hibernation

yesterday i emailed one of my oldest friends. we haven’t been in touch lately. so the first email i sent just said, “hi.” in response she wrote, “hi to you too. you need a wikipedia page.”

i sent a very silly reply and then she appeared on instant messenger. “wow. you haven’t been online in years,” she started. of course i have been, but i've not been using IM. “you’re nutty,” she quipped. “that email you sent was nutty. like you have come out of hibernation.”

and then it occurred to me that she was right. since the girl was born i’ve not really been myself. my spark, my playful side has been in a long, deep sleep. there are piles of reasons—the book before the baby, the baby, the book after the baby, the school during the book after the baby, the husband’s last depressive episode after the baby, the fear of another depressive episode, financial struggles….each of them makes enough of a case for hibernation. combine them, and frankly, i think it’s a miracle i get up every morning to do it all again.

you know what else? and this is going to sound especially crazy because looking at it all from a birds-eye view it makes no sense, but i have been bored. bored out of my gourd. until recently there has been nothing fun and lighthearted happening. nothing remotely bacchanalian or indulgent. no decadent dinners or tra-la-las through the park. just boring, boring. boring. get up, feed the troops, dress the troops, yell cajole everyone out the door, drive to school, work, drive home, clean, cook, do some laundry, work, work, work, work, throw in eighty million trips to the grocery store, sleep a tiny bit, get up and do it again. i was dying a little at a time. the little was so tiny that i didn’t notice until it was a great, huge, heaping pile of dying staring me right in the face. like a big dog poo on the living room rug on a saturday morning.

and now that i’m thinking about it, that’s not even true, really.

i honestly didn’t notice until i started coming back to life. and that bit happened when i found myself feeling a bona fide connection to some friends. i know, that sounds nutty. but think about it. when do we, as parents, as married people, get the time to bond with other people the way we might have when we were younger and single. almost never, that’s when. either the husbands don’t like each other or the wives want to claw each other’s eyes out or the husband of one couple can’t stand to be in the same room with the wife of the other. it just rarely gels in a way that satisfies everyone. i mean, don’t get me wrong, i’ve had acquaintances who have filled the social need, but for the most part (with the exception of my friend S), it just falls flat. there’s nothing of substance there. everyone seems so preoccupied with impressing everyone else, which is not the way i have ever lived my life. (just ask my parents.) and frankly, it bores the crap out of me. 

so now we have these great friends, who were friends before, but suddenly became better friends, and we hang out every friday night (although this week’s been switched to saturday, which is today! yay!) have some dinner and drink some smoking loon or some bitch and laugh our heads off. B and i work on jigsaw puzzles (this part sounds really stupid, but it was spontaneous—one day we had a puzzle out on the kitchen table that i was working on with the boy and B started doing it, then i sat down with him and worked on it too. now it’s a *thing.* we’re on our second 1000 piece puzzle. puzzling whilst drunk is slow-going!). His wife and J make cracks about how crazy we are. he and i challenge each other and engage in name-calling and the kind of banter that is only comfortable with a good friend, because otherwise? it would just be scary. some other peeps came by one night and actually thought B and i were related. that should tell you everything you need to know. by nine o’clock all the kids have passed out on the couch or the floor.

 

i look forward to friday night. it’s not more of the same old same old, it’s real and safe. sometimes, during the week, N will stop here and have lunch with me because she works less than a mile away. the other day i was driving the girl around for a nap and called N who said B had asked her to bring him coffee but she couldn’t because her lunch break was just ending, so i dropped one off for him. sometimes B will bring the boy home from school or i’ll bring their boy home with us. they get angry on our behalf and vice versa. we take care of each other and it’s easy. at this point, i have a hard time remembering how we even managed to survive before they came along. i really hope they stick around.

Comments

[slouching mom]

Yes, this I know. There is NO way I'd be living in this small town if it were not for having found my friends K. and H., who are friends as a couple to me and my husband as a couple, but who are also each my friends independently. I probably hang with and understand K. more, because let's face it, she's a woman, but I have a working friendship with H. as well. It's so cool. Hurrah for friends that pass the test of both spouses! They're so rare. Enjoy your night tonight. I too am going out tonight, with K. and H., even though my husband is away! Because we're close enough that I won't feel like a third wheel. Yay!

[Colleen]

You're so lucky to have found that friendship. We had that up until recently. My best friend's husband and mine work together and they used to get along well. But my friend and I had a falling out two weeks ago and no matter how I try to make things up to her (even when I don't really believe I need to apologize) she won't accept it and tells me our friendship is over for good. So not only have I lost my best friend and confidente, but now her husband won't talk to me or my husband either. My (former) best friend and I have known each other for 21 years. She and her husband were the only couple we ever hung out with (mostly because my wonderful husband is a bit of a picky crank and doesn't like many people...it's hard finding a good "couple match" for that reason). It's all very sad but I'm trying to come to grips with it. My husband won't miss their friendship but I feel that I've lost a friend and a great couple.

[slouching mom]

Oh, Colleen, I had to comment again (sorry, moxie momma) to tell you how sorry I am. And also to tell you that our husbands? They sound exactly alike. I sometimes refer to my husband (in his presence!) as my darling sociopath. Because a lot of the time he just doesn't seem to feel things very much.

[Lainey-Paney]

I can't wait for that.
None of our close friends have kids yets...so we don't really bond over kids, or help each other out. Hubby & I have been so caught up in the baby, work, & school (for me)...that sometimes friendships just seem to fall to the way-side...

...and sometimes they just don't get us. Becoming a parent changes you...changes your priorities...etc.
I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here...

~L

[David]

I love the blog that you have. I was wondering if you would link my blog to yours and in return I would do the same for your blog. If you want to, my site name is American Legends and the URL is:

www.americanlegends.info

If you want to do this just go to my blog and in one of the comments just write your blog name and the URL and I will add it to my site.

Thanks,
David